Where is the Love ?!

     Our thoughts are interwoven with the relationships that we belong to. It might take a day to establish a cherishable bond or that even decades of togetherness might not suffice. Relationships link our hearts and minds together, and at every step a choice is made between the two ruling entities. As humans, we learn to adapt and survive to the environment that we belong to & it clearly reflects on the choices that we make while choosing our friends, partners, colleagues etc. Our current mind state affects the health of our relations directly and everyone will agree to the agitation while replying to a text when out-of-mood or the impulsive "lets-meet-up-right-now" without considering your friends situation or even ignoring calls when bored. Its easy to wriggle around in a comfortable long friendship with moody, late or even rude replies; but as the level is stepped-up, even an abrupt conversation-ender can kill a symbiotic acquaintance. Relationships should be taken seriously. They affect our mental health in ways we cannot imagine.

      Taking a look deeper, women are said to be more receptive to certain situations than men, and its not unknown that women have a higher emotional quotient. They care... at least most do. And about a lot of things. the way they look, feel, perceive all goes into the little log book permanently hard-coded in their heads. They talk too, to their kind and weigh the pros-cons of almost all the possible situations. And its not easy to care and not get the same back. Its like baking a cake, but eating only the crust. A bond should be nourished if you have consciously chosen to be a part of it. Even a simple friendship should be handled delicately in tough situations lest it breaks. A lot depends on the people involved of course. However, being aware of the weak links in a bond and treading softly on matters pertaining to them can do u more good than harm. How much does it take to send that extra smiley face ? Or that "how are you" ? If this sounds sappy/gay to you.. then quit reading this article right now. This is not for the casual, useless fuckers who think they own the world. Reach out to your innermost voice and ask yourself.. How does it really feel to be treated like a 2nd grade citizen ? Do you like being brushed off or ignored ? Will you enjoy texting continuously and never getting replied to ? Really.. how in fuck's name did u assume that the other person has absolutely no self-esteem and will tag along with your nonsense forever ?? Are you that stupid ? Respect the effort people put in to keep the most basic conversation alive. It takes efforts sweety, to send that first message.. or suggest an outing. And you are important to that person. if you don't realize that, try approaching someone with the intent of building that forever-long friendship. I wouldn't say it hurts, but it does sting you, maybe for a second, but then thoughts race in your mind competing with dark negativity. Maybe he/she dint like what i said, I'm trying too hard, am i over sensitive? have i lost it?? is he/she the same with everyone ??? Its takes a major toll on their self-esteem and inner-strength. Such thoughts and kill a persons happiness. And you useless fuckers are responsible for it.

      It's crazy how people seemed to have "moved-on" and gotten busy with their "lives". At any point, everyone needs a friend. Someone. If its not you its someone else. But in no way are they cutting down on the fun. And picking up that hint is extremely important for keeping that smile plastered on your face. There's no easy way to get over someone. No magic there sweety. Its just a test of your individuality, confidence and how much you love yourself !! Kareena Kapoor's famous statement "Main apni favourite hoon" is seriously gold-dust. Love your self as much as you can cause you wont break up with yourself (bitch please). There is no point being that friend who will be taken for granted. Available 24/7. Always ready for any plan. Never refusing. And overtly sweet. Really you are pleasing nobody. You are simply planting a seed for bad-taken-for-granted behaviour. Don't let yourself be treated in a way that you will never treat others. Demand the respect that you deserve/require. And don't talk this out.. let your actions/behaviour speak. Time and again I've learnt that maintaining a relationship with yourself should be top priority. That guarantees 50% less pain during a heart break. Love yourself. your thoughts. your dreams. everything. enjoy the solitude. At times having a coffee all by yourself floods in happy thoughts. If you are your own pillar of strength, no gush of "raging" wind can knock you down.  

      Realizing that you are being mis-treated is essential. And for that you should always be consciously aware of all your actions pertaining to that relationship. i always believe in keeping myself happy first and then others. you are not obliged to converse with anyone, its your choice,, always. SO don't be rude unnecessarily (fuckers,, its really not cool). The other person might be hyper-sensitive and cause more damage than u intended. And c'mon peeps who doesn't like to be treated like the golden goose ? So treat others the way you want them to treat you. Show them the love. The affection. Don't hold-back anything.......not love, not hate.

from a solipsist

Shrouded in darkness,, i try to peek
at the gateway to life,, that im still trying to seek
with doubts in my mind
i still take my calls.......
and faith in my might
helps me up from my fall.......

the beginning was weak, the course no better
the end is no fucking sweeter,,
like marble i shine, walking through corridors
no-one fucks with my mind, or touches anymore
like venom spewing from a double-tongued snake
i take what is mine, leaving nothing at stake
you cant cut a peice of flesh and call it a steak
until its borrowed, snatched or stolen from someone else
Ive heard too much bullshit, tasted it too
my world aint a pretty picture for pussies like you
Cuz you speak no evil or hear it no more
but you act like satan's son-in-law
A shower of meteors may crush your brain
but my single question will pulverise your mane..
My voice will haunt you even in your deepest sleep
your vigil wont let u run away from me
its the hate that dwells in my insides
that will blacken your soul,,
please no more tears from your eyes
i will suck them sore,,

You bitch, you took it for granted
now u wont get it, no matter how badly you want-it
I live in my mind, my mind is my sail
i stay uptight, truth is my game
i have no shame, or no tears
cuz pussies like you deserve only fear
your life is blank, crumples like newspaper
past scribbled all over it, and smudges of tears
you lay deep in a pit, and i smirk at your state
people who do wrong, have wrong in their fate..

I fear no mortal, i play with God
My mind is my sanctum, but i am My Lord
Live like qween, but command like a king
cutting your fancies with my diamond ring.

Open your eyes, and collect your broken pieces
Cause if your dealing with me..
... you better throw out your shit.

Thought Update(s)

Ever pictured yourself forgiving someone in a heartbeat ? Ever broke into a laugh during a fight with a friend ?Have you ever smiled at an old joke ? or played out a memorable conversation ? ...Ate ice-cream alone(happily). Clicked random pictures of the sun setting ? Walked back from the station voluntarily.. ? Ever found yourself happily doing grocery ?


Its the mind that plays jokes on us. We long to have an environment that is comfortable both physically and mentally. Being composed and decisive in a heated arugument, rather than shouting your lungs out, always makes us feel we have risen a level higher. our thoughts need elevation too. Taking in the surroundings and drawing your own conclusions is everyones mental game,, but doing so with a hint of positivity & natural rise has to be a conscious attempt. Growth is essential. No matter what field you are in. Football, Creativity, Homemaker.. anything. As a student i always learnt something from my previous year and tried to get better at it the year after. Our mind is a machine... But it has the capability of replacing old worn out parts too.. Old thoughts and attitudes need to be flushed out so that new ones can take charge. Our perspective on things takes shape of a thought in our minds and eventually becomes an opinion over time. being opinionated is a great quality - it shows you have your own independant take on things. but it must not imply that it cannot change. Ever caught urself eating spicy food that you earlier detested ? or watching a sappy movie instead of Action flicks ? As human beings, we are constantlly exposed to evolutionary change taking place around us. New gadgets, ideas, ventures.. Its a lot to take in. Its also a lot of thought-to-opinion forming.

College has changed my opinion on so many things & at so many levels. A new wave of thought unleashes and compels me to answer buried questions. And that always makes me feel like a climbed a floor higher.

Lets for once put our past and present together. Think about what would you change about your childhood - I would want to be sharper, choose better, squabble less, look pretty etc. Now think about what would have happened if you were already born with all that. The juicy learning curve would be diminished to a mere plateau. I learnt a lot from my past,little things that help me view myself with clearer goggles. being punished for not doing homework, eating too much and gaining wieght, using a lot of cool-slang etc. Sounds basic ? It is, but if i hadnt gine through ceratin incidents that taught me better, i wouldnt know the value of growth. It feels great to have cleared yet another year and move ahead in life. trust me, itll feel a hundered times better to accelerate your thinking process with qualitative thoughts.

By quality i dont necessarily mean mature or even correct. Just changes in the actions provoked by those thoughts. If you feel when you get angry and you voice your thoughts out, try to put a stop-cork on that. try to mirror your idol more.

A better approach. A sharper skill-set. Anything that you want to get better at. Polish your thoughts and your actions will shine. Its very simple to let a piece of iron rust away, but difficult to keep it shiny at all times. Thats your mind. the more you consciously work on it, the better results it fetches.

Personal Example - I control my thoughts when in a heated argument. Which i never did, and it cost me a lot of friendships, acquaintances etc. I used to enjoy gossiping. that cost me good friend. But again, i learnt from consequences of my immature actions. You dont always need to scrape your knees to learn how to run.

A lot of people feel maturity comes with age, exposure, circumstances. Bullshit. maturity is in your head. Its a process of self-realization that helps you get you know yourself better so you take suitable decisions that not only enhance your personality but also reflect in your actions. Its a very subjective, airy quantity. Something you cannot procure and dwell on. It grows inside you. Like hunger. like sleep. Maturity in thoughts needs to be invoked, not switched-on.

Being comfortable in your mind is as essential as physical comfort. When your mind is in neutral-mode, you will automatically feel your senses opening up, answers popping out, emotions diluting and your heart rate calming. It will be a very enriching experience like where you know all the answers on the question paper, you just need to jot them down. Your mind gives you perfect directions when well-oiled & up-to-date. you just need to be smart enough to figure the difference.

waves of peace

You make me feel like a million bucks even if you glance just once at me.




My mind fills with a hundered different thoughts when you sit across me, devouring your subway.. your hair cutely swaying as you try to hold up your sandwich together, so innocent, so original. Im still trying to focus on that one thought that i will voice, which will crumble the silence, the static air between us. Its been just over 5 minutes and it aleady feels like an hour... just sitting across you, just watching you..



i cannot imagine the overload of content if i try and remember each little thing that happened between us. Its been so long and so much that i dont want to try to ruffle-up old pages. I think about your mannerisms, your smile, the little eye twitch, the way you curl your fingers.. you are my hero and my fantasy is all about you.. the way you slightly close you eyes, and when you jerk you bike, just so i fall on you,, these are frozen memories in my mind, that no one can ever take away.



My mind floods with a thousand little feelings when i think about the times weve had together. So complete. So satiating, like i will never need anything.. And one day i will recollect all of it. Go through each moment and delicately dissect it so it will be etched in my mind forever. Lying in a bathtub, with water oh-so slightly tickling my exposed flesh, and my mind lost in your thoughts somewhere.. your words, your thoughts and your universe-defying questions. I want to be the answer to every question in your mind. I dig for answers when i see you miserably running around in cicles.. You are my bright shinig light that hasnt faded in the last so many months and i want to protect you. i want to keep you forever. I want to feel his way forever ,, in the serenity on your face, in the sanctity of your warm arms..



you are not just someone special.. you are my everything. My smile, my tears, my moods, my feelings.. it all begins and ends at you. you make me feel special just with your slight touch.. just with a random text. i want to hold you so close, tell you my every secret..



words are not needed for me to show you ... anything... We connect darling. We connect.

A splash of Happiness

Its been over 5 days and i still wake up with a smile...

Its more than just comforting to know that my next futuristic step has already been decided & chosen. Its overwhelming. 15th of September was really good. And a really fantastic event took place that day.

It was the day of my placement process with CG. i was nervous. I woke up before the alarm & quickly collected my things together after my shower. I had already filed my documents & accurately re-checked them twice over. I didnt prepare anything for the written test. I had no expectations whatsoever. i would say my brain had dulled out. I just decided to go with the flow. 

Everything went as per plan and schedule. I took an early bus and reached right on time. I bowed my head low as i passed Siddhivinayak temple. Slighting hoping things will be more in my favor this time. the pre-placement talk had already begun by the time i reached. I knew the aptitude test will begin shortly and began mentally preparing & arming myself with formulae. Me and Shreyas did a quick run-through of most of the chapters hoping the tough questions would never come up. I knew i was in good shape for the test. I could solve most of the questions. Eventually after an hour it was time. The test was of 90 mins comprising 75 questions. It was'nt easy. It was too difficult either. i breezed pass the English & Analytic sections. Quant was where it got rough. the questions were definitely conceptual 7 each took more than 3-4 mins to solve. the only thought running through my mind then was to give in all i had. To give my best - maybe for the last time. Yes, i had almost given up. My confidence was dipping to dangerously low levels. I know had 23 mins to complete the test.. and i gave it my best shot. I managed 15/25 questions in Quant. It was over. I stepped out to see blank faces. No one was willing to acknowledge openly that it wasn't a cake-walk. this was the third company for most. Exhaustion & boredom was evident.

Then came the hour-long tormenting wait. 75 students from the previous 100 batch had already moved up the GD round. I was waiting. A tad anxious. But very hopeful. I wanted this ordeal to end. I wanted to move-on.

finally the tiny woman came with the list. My name was the second-last name to be announced. A hundred thoughts ran through my head. I was happy. Uncontrollably excited. Still glad that i cleared the aptitude. I tried to image what i would have felt had  not cleared the test. But i had. I was glad. A step closer. I began thinking about my group discussion. I hadn't taken part in one for over a year now. But something told me it would be okay. I began to regain lost confidence. 

The group discussion was more that just awesome. it was hilarious. the topic was -" Do Films corrupt the youth". Something just what i was always prepared for. I initiated the discussion & arguments started pouring in. Half were inactive & didn't care much. I was obviously for the topic. I had taken my stand .. and for the next 45 mins, i stood by it. All in all it was amazing. People brought up film examples only to be embarrassed. One started talking about Hollywood movies. One started politics. The discussion oscillated between vulgarity & the youth's perception of it. The argument being - the Silver Screen can show anything, its up to the audience to pick up the "moral" from it. total BS. the audience here being the youth - is expected to have mature decision making ability. LOL. Then i brought up the movie "No Strings Attached" - a typical Hollywood flick circling on live-in relationships. I know this move had no "good" message. Someone argued about modernization evolving from films. Luckily, time was up. The discussion was summarized by the leader himself.

A few minutes later ... the results were announced. I had moved up to the interviews. i was more than just happy. i felt good. Really really good.

Fast-forwarding to the main event of the day... after waiting for over 5 hours, i got my call. I was the 2nd last candidate to be interviewed. i kept revising the HR interview answers over and over & pushing aside random thoughts of failure, life-lessons, irritation & exhaustion. I knew this was it.

i walked in - poised & alert. My mind heavy but still agile. Thoughts circling around in every direction. I know this had to go well. but i was prepared for anything. The interviewer was very chilled-out. He gave me minute to relax & began to question the sole purpose of me being present there. He asked me a lot of random questions probably trying to get a baseline. he asked my why computers, why not MBA. what my ambitions were.. i breezed past though the interview. Till he finally asked me about my previous attempts at getting a job elsewhere. I know i had to be truthful, the guy was looking right through me... I dint want to lose this. Maybe it was the honesty or my resume, or both. He offered my the job on the spot. He told me i was selected !! Right there. During my interview. And he told me something else too (which i wont reveal). The feeling was out of the world !!!I had done it. It was over... I was Selected !!

I let the feeling sink in. And trust me, i felt better than being a birthday-girl. Congratulatory wishes came in.. I just tried to embrace it all. I felt purposeful and Happy. For once something had worked out. I knew my sentence had been rewarded. 

Thought - Flow

The thought of changing things around me has crossed my  mind more than once in the last few months. Of course i am comfortable in my own skin, pleasantly surprising myself each time i enjoy the hum-drum affairs of life. Trudging with the routine has made me want to desperately look outside, even so for things that i dont need to. Anything new attracts me  - like a wasp attracted to blood. My mind has automated itself to give me extreme solutions to even the minutest problems (which ideally should be ignored). Every problem doesn't need a solution immediately. It solves itself most of the times. But i need some change. Something drastic that shakes me up. Something that challenges my morals, ideals & principles. Something that tests my ability to adapt and consolidates higher confidence in me that i can overcome my current inertial state.  And thats where my program sets into an infinte loop. I eventually figured out that change is not a transferrable entity. Its not something that i can apply somewhere else and expect results elsewhere. Changing my friends wont help me lose weight. But working out will. Hitting the right chord is very essential when you try to extract a conclusion from this thought-trail. Bang on the target and voila!. Everything looks different. I need to run a mile and cross this milestone. I need to make my present history. I need to move on. And when i set these goals, i need to learn how to do these first. 

Who says it easy to accept defeat ? not all of us have a controlled flow of thoughts. I definitely dont possess that mechanism. Its imperative that u stop ur mind consciously from spitting negative thoughts. the damage that negativity does to you cannot be fathomed. it burns ur confidence. It feeds off ur inner-strength & almost dims out the fire in you. It needs to be controlled. For some people its really hard tp accept that they can ever fail. And it gets worse when they cant move on ahead from that incident. It gets really difficult to focus on currently active issues when the previous debacle has left such a deep print. They need answers to questions that arise from the rejection. Reasons. Explanations. And embracing the fact that it could be a play of fate. the mind does have all the information. but processing it at the right time your choice. The one thing that controls your mind. Your Conscience. I cannot stress enough on the fact that the more you converse with yourself, the stronger your conscience gets. You can overpower your mind in such delicate situations, where your thoughts play a major role in your following weeks performance.
Firstly theres accepting the fact that you have lost this time. You have silence your anger. You can only talk once you swallow the lump in your throat. Then you move ahead to distraction. Doing other things you like to. things you enjoy. Within a few days after your mind-state calms down, pick the incident in your head. Find solutions & check their relevance. In a week or so, your ambition should be brand new, with higher goals and renewed self-confidence. 

At times being too hard on yourself is not the right approach for extracting best results. Let situations do that to you. I know one thing for sure - 

Don't let circumstances force you to learn what you were dead against from the start. if life were a movie, that particular incident was just a frame. 

People Cant text back !!

People Problems - 

I dont know why i keep feeling this way. Maybe i am reading too much into it. Or may be i have too much time at hand to care about such silly concentrated things on my mind.

I hate it when people dont reply back on time. Do you think i am a fool ?? there is a damn reason why i message you !! U think i am not busy ?? Or are u trying to pretend that you are way too busy... ?

Seriously, its not like i will die if you dont reply back on time. Or if you dont call me for one day. But seriously whats the point of behaving that way?? What are you trying to prove.

its beyond annoying. Okay. Some people do that to probably make a point  -" Im too busy to care about such shit", "I really dont care, talk to me about real work"  or even "Im too bored to reply. Where is she going anyway.. ill text later" and the worse "She keeps texting. Good entertainment"

I hate it. I dont feel like messaging that same person again. Im not an idiot you know. 
Seriously there are never-ending people-problems. I also dont like passive people. hell why are you living life ??? If you dont want to maintain friends,, why have them in the first place ?? it means you simply dont enjoy their company. Or they are just there for the world to see. Certain things i just dont get. When you make a plan or call them, they are happy to oblige you with conversation.. but you cant expect that favor from them. 

Doesn't a fun plan ever pop into their heads ?? doing something special for someone is really not childish. But yes, being complacent about it is foolish.

Maybe i am reading too much into it. But unfortunately it does bother me time and again. It annoys me no end... and when i have to text them it always makes me feel lesser of myself. What the point of even trying when he/she is not going to reply.

Frozen in Time

It amazes me how time works it magic on our lives. Aged wine tastes better. Oxidized jewelry complements the Indian skin tone. And old shirt worn without washing reminds me of the time i had worn it last & the thoughts that were running through my mind then. Each ticking second badgers me to cram as much as i can in the post, cause my mindset may never be the same again. 

Somewhere in fast pace of life, the daily rush-hour, deadlines,, we forget to catch hold of the running time. We forget to live the moment. The first bite of spicy noodles..the lingering taste on which we decide whether the meal is sumptuous. Of course being overtly philosophical isnt my way. time has changed so much for me and so little too. Time has made his presence felt in certain relationships & a few are still brand new. 

Over the last 3 years of engineering, i learnt a lot apart from my major. i wont say it changed me inside-out. i didn't dye my hair pink. I still hate Metallica. I NEVER wanna get sloshed.. It altered my pace. It changed my perspective to things that i always chose to blindly accept. It made sure that i learnt from my mistakes. It also tested my conscience. I had a lot of chances to choose between the right & wrong...To decide what is wrong for me from the right. I became very acutely aware of the months passing by. Semester after semester. Hopping from one subject to another. Literally scrapping the surface of deep concepts that are explained in books and papers and what not. It gave me a sense of hollowness. i tried my best each time. To retain what i had learnt, to ponder and comprehend its actual importance. but before i could even poke the subject a little more, time had moved on. It was practical time. viva time.PL time. Exam time. and then it was vacation a.k.a lounging at home time. And its final year now. And i have no words to actually sum up the last 3 years. I have no speech ready to give myself the closure that graduating will be as satisfying as the tenth and twelfth milestones. It hasnt even hit me hard enough yet. i dont feel challenged. I scale it all against time and that makes me feel even more dumber. My schoolmates have done a lot more over the period of time that i spent doing all the listed above. i dont know my worth to any company. I just know i will finish what i had started. i will go through this ordeal and serve my time. 

My mind is bordering on the darker shades of blue. Time has frozen me. My mind state doesn't feel fluid... it feels stagnant. Change is imperative and almost essential. I am waiting for that change.