A splash of Happiness

Its been over 5 days and i still wake up with a smile...

Its more than just comforting to know that my next futuristic step has already been decided & chosen. Its overwhelming. 15th of September was really good. And a really fantastic event took place that day.

It was the day of my placement process with CG. i was nervous. I woke up before the alarm & quickly collected my things together after my shower. I had already filed my documents & accurately re-checked them twice over. I didnt prepare anything for the written test. I had no expectations whatsoever. i would say my brain had dulled out. I just decided to go with the flow. 

Everything went as per plan and schedule. I took an early bus and reached right on time. I bowed my head low as i passed Siddhivinayak temple. Slighting hoping things will be more in my favor this time. the pre-placement talk had already begun by the time i reached. I knew the aptitude test will begin shortly and began mentally preparing & arming myself with formulae. Me and Shreyas did a quick run-through of most of the chapters hoping the tough questions would never come up. I knew i was in good shape for the test. I could solve most of the questions. Eventually after an hour it was time. The test was of 90 mins comprising 75 questions. It was'nt easy. It was too difficult either. i breezed pass the English & Analytic sections. Quant was where it got rough. the questions were definitely conceptual 7 each took more than 3-4 mins to solve. the only thought running through my mind then was to give in all i had. To give my best - maybe for the last time. Yes, i had almost given up. My confidence was dipping to dangerously low levels. I know had 23 mins to complete the test.. and i gave it my best shot. I managed 15/25 questions in Quant. It was over. I stepped out to see blank faces. No one was willing to acknowledge openly that it wasn't a cake-walk. this was the third company for most. Exhaustion & boredom was evident.

Then came the hour-long tormenting wait. 75 students from the previous 100 batch had already moved up the GD round. I was waiting. A tad anxious. But very hopeful. I wanted this ordeal to end. I wanted to move-on.

finally the tiny woman came with the list. My name was the second-last name to be announced. A hundred thoughts ran through my head. I was happy. Uncontrollably excited. Still glad that i cleared the aptitude. I tried to image what i would have felt had  not cleared the test. But i had. I was glad. A step closer. I began thinking about my group discussion. I hadn't taken part in one for over a year now. But something told me it would be okay. I began to regain lost confidence. 

The group discussion was more that just awesome. it was hilarious. the topic was -" Do Films corrupt the youth". Something just what i was always prepared for. I initiated the discussion & arguments started pouring in. Half were inactive & didn't care much. I was obviously for the topic. I had taken my stand .. and for the next 45 mins, i stood by it. All in all it was amazing. People brought up film examples only to be embarrassed. One started talking about Hollywood movies. One started politics. The discussion oscillated between vulgarity & the youth's perception of it. The argument being - the Silver Screen can show anything, its up to the audience to pick up the "moral" from it. total BS. the audience here being the youth - is expected to have mature decision making ability. LOL. Then i brought up the movie "No Strings Attached" - a typical Hollywood flick circling on live-in relationships. I know this move had no "good" message. Someone argued about modernization evolving from films. Luckily, time was up. The discussion was summarized by the leader himself.

A few minutes later ... the results were announced. I had moved up to the interviews. i was more than just happy. i felt good. Really really good.

Fast-forwarding to the main event of the day... after waiting for over 5 hours, i got my call. I was the 2nd last candidate to be interviewed. i kept revising the HR interview answers over and over & pushing aside random thoughts of failure, life-lessons, irritation & exhaustion. I knew this was it.

i walked in - poised & alert. My mind heavy but still agile. Thoughts circling around in every direction. I know this had to go well. but i was prepared for anything. The interviewer was very chilled-out. He gave me minute to relax & began to question the sole purpose of me being present there. He asked me a lot of random questions probably trying to get a baseline. he asked my why computers, why not MBA. what my ambitions were.. i breezed past though the interview. Till he finally asked me about my previous attempts at getting a job elsewhere. I know i had to be truthful, the guy was looking right through me... I dint want to lose this. Maybe it was the honesty or my resume, or both. He offered my the job on the spot. He told me i was selected !! Right there. During my interview. And he told me something else too (which i wont reveal). The feeling was out of the world !!!I had done it. It was over... I was Selected !!

I let the feeling sink in. And trust me, i felt better than being a birthday-girl. Congratulatory wishes came in.. I just tried to embrace it all. I felt purposeful and Happy. For once something had worked out. I knew my sentence had been rewarded. 

Thought - Flow

The thought of changing things around me has crossed my  mind more than once in the last few months. Of course i am comfortable in my own skin, pleasantly surprising myself each time i enjoy the hum-drum affairs of life. Trudging with the routine has made me want to desperately look outside, even so for things that i dont need to. Anything new attracts me  - like a wasp attracted to blood. My mind has automated itself to give me extreme solutions to even the minutest problems (which ideally should be ignored). Every problem doesn't need a solution immediately. It solves itself most of the times. But i need some change. Something drastic that shakes me up. Something that challenges my morals, ideals & principles. Something that tests my ability to adapt and consolidates higher confidence in me that i can overcome my current inertial state.  And thats where my program sets into an infinte loop. I eventually figured out that change is not a transferrable entity. Its not something that i can apply somewhere else and expect results elsewhere. Changing my friends wont help me lose weight. But working out will. Hitting the right chord is very essential when you try to extract a conclusion from this thought-trail. Bang on the target and voila!. Everything looks different. I need to run a mile and cross this milestone. I need to make my present history. I need to move on. And when i set these goals, i need to learn how to do these first. 

Who says it easy to accept defeat ? not all of us have a controlled flow of thoughts. I definitely dont possess that mechanism. Its imperative that u stop ur mind consciously from spitting negative thoughts. the damage that negativity does to you cannot be fathomed. it burns ur confidence. It feeds off ur inner-strength & almost dims out the fire in you. It needs to be controlled. For some people its really hard tp accept that they can ever fail. And it gets worse when they cant move on ahead from that incident. It gets really difficult to focus on currently active issues when the previous debacle has left such a deep print. They need answers to questions that arise from the rejection. Reasons. Explanations. And embracing the fact that it could be a play of fate. the mind does have all the information. but processing it at the right time your choice. The one thing that controls your mind. Your Conscience. I cannot stress enough on the fact that the more you converse with yourself, the stronger your conscience gets. You can overpower your mind in such delicate situations, where your thoughts play a major role in your following weeks performance.
Firstly theres accepting the fact that you have lost this time. You have silence your anger. You can only talk once you swallow the lump in your throat. Then you move ahead to distraction. Doing other things you like to. things you enjoy. Within a few days after your mind-state calms down, pick the incident in your head. Find solutions & check their relevance. In a week or so, your ambition should be brand new, with higher goals and renewed self-confidence. 

At times being too hard on yourself is not the right approach for extracting best results. Let situations do that to you. I know one thing for sure - 

Don't let circumstances force you to learn what you were dead against from the start. if life were a movie, that particular incident was just a frame. 

People Cant text back !!

People Problems - 

I dont know why i keep feeling this way. Maybe i am reading too much into it. Or may be i have too much time at hand to care about such silly concentrated things on my mind.

I hate it when people dont reply back on time. Do you think i am a fool ?? there is a damn reason why i message you !! U think i am not busy ?? Or are u trying to pretend that you are way too busy... ?

Seriously, its not like i will die if you dont reply back on time. Or if you dont call me for one day. But seriously whats the point of behaving that way?? What are you trying to prove.

its beyond annoying. Okay. Some people do that to probably make a point  -" Im too busy to care about such shit", "I really dont care, talk to me about real work"  or even "Im too bored to reply. Where is she going anyway.. ill text later" and the worse "She keeps texting. Good entertainment"

I hate it. I dont feel like messaging that same person again. Im not an idiot you know. 
Seriously there are never-ending people-problems. I also dont like passive people. hell why are you living life ??? If you dont want to maintain friends,, why have them in the first place ?? it means you simply dont enjoy their company. Or they are just there for the world to see. Certain things i just dont get. When you make a plan or call them, they are happy to oblige you with conversation.. but you cant expect that favor from them. 

Doesn't a fun plan ever pop into their heads ?? doing something special for someone is really not childish. But yes, being complacent about it is foolish.

Maybe i am reading too much into it. But unfortunately it does bother me time and again. It annoys me no end... and when i have to text them it always makes me feel lesser of myself. What the point of even trying when he/she is not going to reply.

Frozen in Time

It amazes me how time works it magic on our lives. Aged wine tastes better. Oxidized jewelry complements the Indian skin tone. And old shirt worn without washing reminds me of the time i had worn it last & the thoughts that were running through my mind then. Each ticking second badgers me to cram as much as i can in the post, cause my mindset may never be the same again. 

Somewhere in fast pace of life, the daily rush-hour, deadlines,, we forget to catch hold of the running time. We forget to live the moment. The first bite of spicy noodles..the lingering taste on which we decide whether the meal is sumptuous. Of course being overtly philosophical isnt my way. time has changed so much for me and so little too. Time has made his presence felt in certain relationships & a few are still brand new. 

Over the last 3 years of engineering, i learnt a lot apart from my major. i wont say it changed me inside-out. i didn't dye my hair pink. I still hate Metallica. I NEVER wanna get sloshed.. It altered my pace. It changed my perspective to things that i always chose to blindly accept. It made sure that i learnt from my mistakes. It also tested my conscience. I had a lot of chances to choose between the right & wrong...To decide what is wrong for me from the right. I became very acutely aware of the months passing by. Semester after semester. Hopping from one subject to another. Literally scrapping the surface of deep concepts that are explained in books and papers and what not. It gave me a sense of hollowness. i tried my best each time. To retain what i had learnt, to ponder and comprehend its actual importance. but before i could even poke the subject a little more, time had moved on. It was practical time. viva time.PL time. Exam time. and then it was vacation a.k.a lounging at home time. And its final year now. And i have no words to actually sum up the last 3 years. I have no speech ready to give myself the closure that graduating will be as satisfying as the tenth and twelfth milestones. It hasnt even hit me hard enough yet. i dont feel challenged. I scale it all against time and that makes me feel even more dumber. My schoolmates have done a lot more over the period of time that i spent doing all the listed above. i dont know my worth to any company. I just know i will finish what i had started. i will go through this ordeal and serve my time. 

My mind is bordering on the darker shades of blue. Time has frozen me. My mind state doesn't feel fluid... it feels stagnant. Change is imperative and almost essential. I am waiting for that change.