Bad thoughts

Pick them out and throw
drop the burdens, let them go
Collect it all and burn it up 
And walk away with your chin up.

Problems are inevitable. They are everywhere all the time. Some stem from incidents older than you can remember and some come in the form nagging thoughts. After all, like everything we control, problems too are just a bunch of bad thoughts. And can either run through them all at once or let them occupy all your mindspace. But sometimes they are important only till you have juiced-out all that you could - reason, solutions and ramifications. And what is left behind are the bones. I know its tougher to move on/away from problems than it seems, but its not undoable. In fact i feel its imperative that sooner or later this habit/way of life is learned and mastered. Coz lets face it, if there is happiness in your life, it is going to be offset with some sadness. However, i believe, if you can visualize a mental picture of your goal then you are more than capable of finding your way to it. 
A problem that seemed enormous 5 years back, isn't  a hard nut to crack now, is it ? That's the beauty of the human mind. We learn. Some faster than others. Some skip milestones and save the trouble of going through it all. And some stay stuck. Harping on the same issues and circling around the same junction. We get to choose and we do choose involuntarily. But lets not get into choices..let try to look at how to ameliorate(make better) the mistakes that fill u up with dread.

So you have an issue with a problem that you simply cant let go. You cant ignore it, wash it off or even replace it with a bigger issue. So all your energies are spent thinking about it from time to time and hoping some magical event will eliminate your "problem" and you will finally move to a better place mentally. Ha ha ha. Well you're in for a rude shock coz there is nothing magical about solutions. If you can think so deeply about a problem so complex (get into that deep a pile of crap), then you most definitely know a way out too !! Generically, its not that hard to walk off. Just pick up and move. And have the confidence that you will be moving to a place that will not have that problem. We are mortals and so are our thoughts. Is it really worth wasting all the time harping over the same issue when you can wreck your head over some other one..?

Learn and move on. But learn. Because when you take the efforts to learn what went wrong or what you did wrong, it engulfs the darkness and the premise vanishes. But if u just let it go, then some part of the problem walks with you like a shadow and eventually becomes a baggage. The words "No baggage" remind me of a traveler exploring new places and emotions with a light head and heart. Such an exhilarating thought.
Leave all the troubles, problems, misgivings and sadness behind and turn over a new leaf. Pick in and out of what you like and dislike about yourself and re-invent your being. After all life is about experimenting with yourself. Like it keep it,, don't? Leave it. 

A lost grip

As her grip loosened, finger by finger
the water heaving as her palm trembled
the bucket landed with a loud thud
and the liquid slowly vanished in the mud.

Her grip was not the only thing lost on her
The smile that framed her face had betrayed her
Gone was the glow, the shimmer in her eyes
Bereft of focus, gone was her sight.

The sun still dawned and days felt heavy
Gone was the flow that swallows many
a minds deep into the pleasures of hardwork
Gone was the satisfaction of a long days work.

Time ticked slowly, still enough had been squandered
ideas were plenty, but motivation not conquered
Plenty were there to play with, laugh and prosper
But the heart wanted the thing that mattered.
Grey seemed black and red... maroon
Colorful days were as if lost to the moon
Nothing could tighten the grip of her mind
to the work she so desperately wanted to find..
It got tougher to live in the confines of her mind
Even tougher to keep the positivity tight.
All she wanted was another chance
another turn, another prance
And she knew she could make it better
lasting forever, going back never.

She gathered her bucket and her patience
Once again waiting in line at the well
Her palms sweaty as she waited for her turn
To fill her bucket with some purpose again....

Criticism

The mind is a boxful of ideas - both good and evil. An overflowing endless stream of thoughts comprising questions, opinions, conjectures, mental pictures of past events, hope, mental pictures of supposed future events among other random fleeting thoughts. The resilience of the mind allows one to overcome criticism, failure and other seeming insecurities. Its the mind that heals the verbal wounds or invisible cuts on your self-esteem. Self-talk is this healing process. it may be abstract to say but the mind actually steps on the very failures that lead to success. Its this flexible and inflexible property of the mind (whirlpool of ideas) that allows you to "let go" and "move on" and in extreme cases "hold on".

An ambitious manager had everything going for him. His superiors were impressed with his ability to manage people and get the work done. He had just been promoted and was now leading a team of 4 members. His task was to develop a attendance system for one of the sub-departments of the company. He had an uncanny tact of getting his work done and fueling his ambition by motivation. Although that was the golden rule to successful teamwork, he used to scold and criticize his juniors. His sharp words caused a wave of rage which he though fueled their passion to work harder, just to get back at him. This unhealthy approach awarded him many enemies and almost all his associates and colleagues got wind of this insidious attitude. He took personal hits at his low-performing juniors and berated them to learn to "get off of their lazy arses" and "work enough to deserve the salary". These highly qualified fresh MBAs had nothing to lose but their self-esteem. The constant criticism left them feeling inadequate and unwanted. It reflected in their social attitude and body-language. It majorly hit the most sensitive and active part of the mind - self-confidence.

Constantly listening to your flaws and inadequacies is like consciously scratching the same wound over and over again. Your mind begins to build a defense-thought mechanism where it desperately searches for the positives to combat with all the negativity. As its begins to hunt, it checks for the validity of these "positives". For example the manager criticized one of the juniors on grounds of her inefficiency due to her lack of interest in the project. In such a case its natural to mentally search for instances where this argument has been proven wrong. For example she may be thinking how her keen interest in cooking lead to making the finest Enchiladas she's ever made. In short, this defense mechanism is the minds natural way of guarding the fragile self-esteem which is the core of your being. The greater the self-esteem the greater the confidence, bigger the smile and increased self-reliance. However, the mind can do only so much to protect and heal the self-esteem. Continuous external or internal criticism can lead one to believe and accept that these supposed flaws as the constituents of our being. The mind runs out of positive situations and instances to combat the negativity and heal the mental wounds and eventually the defending activity loses its vigor. you eventually learn to live with these flaws and spiral only downwards in all facets of your life. Your mind withdraws from every combative situation and instead thoughts of sympathy and comfort begin to crowd around. You start feeling sorry for yourself and gradually learn to sympathize and comfort that every externally-inflicted  flaw on you. Feeling sorry for yourself is the lowest point in your self-esteem, wherein its virtually smashed to smithereens. And as its universally known; repairing something broken takes twice as long as to create something new.

Fight the criticism, but not with anger, instead with self-affirmation. Your self-esteem is your core and you must protect it at any cost. Constantly reminding yourself about your strengths is not the only solution. Try to find the relevance of that critical statement by weighing it in your mind. The female junior could have instead thought about whether she was actually interested in that particular project. If she was indeed, then the managers sharp words were blanks from a gun and if she wasn't, then maybe it was time for self-correction. Taking it as a personal hit (irrespective of whether it was intended) will directly damage your self-esteem. Process those sharp words and try to find out the truth by asking yourself the question. Its always good to pick out the gold flecks from mud. 

The world is not short of arrogant cocky pricks. But repairing a damaged self-esteem requires a lot of patience and effort, and why go through all that trouble when you can eliminate the root cause of these wounds. Criticism taken positively is easier said than done. But who said the best was easy ?

Learn to love....yourself

The rooftop bar at Saffron Bay not only left me in awe of the delicious sight that the Chowpatty Beach is when seen from a height, but also turned out to be one of the most memorable times with my best friend. It led to something called - instantaneous awareness. The dipping sun has always had a calming effect on my mind. The orange-hue spreading from the drowning sun, wispy clouds patterned with the fading sky, birds winding-down and surroundings getting dimmer and dimmer. Its so easy to get lost in the sunset, like a beautiful transition from a bustling day to the unpredictable nigh. So, retracting my mind from this visual feast, i spent the next two hours that were more than just a couple friends hanging out. We discussed what we love to the most - Life and its conundrums. The mood was set and so was I, to indulge in some of the tastiest discourse...
Why do you love that new PC game ? or a brand new dress ? your Fossil watch ? your Blue Baggit sling ?
The answer is simple - Comfort. These "favorite" things make you feel happy, content, alive and a little unique. I love my green Baggit wallet. Firstly its a special gift and secondly its feeds my superstition by being lucky for me. Anyway, these things are still replaceable.. But are you ? Is the director of your mind something you can buy off a shelf ? Can you exchange your chubby ankles for slender ones ? ..Forget that. Can you buy intelligence ? Or creative artistic skills ? Or a melodious voice ? ..Forget what you don't have. Would you like to exchange what you have for something better ? Like a new smart phone for an old one ? Now forget everything i said.

Do you like who you are ? I am Tanvi. I like the ring in my voice. I like my attitude, spirit and sincerity. And i started falling for myself even more after a small epiphany i had on the roof. I realized that there are so many things i love, i enjoy and that i simply do not want to give up/depart from. I, Tanvi, enjoy the fact that i am always up for a deep conversation filled with compassion. And, if i were to switch with someone (Freaky Friday style) i would hate to give that up. Yes i made some mistakes, hurt few people, forget that, i hurt myself over people, lost games/battles, made wrong decisions blah blah blah.. Above all, i have had the most fantastic and disdainful times just cause i am ME. I am not my neighbor, or his dog or any of you reading this. I am simply Tanvi. An eccentric, smart girl who doesn't mind sharing personal "eureka moments" over the internet ( lol ). Apparently, i read somewhere, the brain makes you think you look 5 times more prettier than you actually are. So, if i can think i look externally pretty, i could feel like Miss Universe inside !!

Its very unnatural to be somebody else, fill-in someone else's story, follow a chosen path. If you have any bit of adventure in you, visualize yourself in the thick amazon forest with a sickle as your weapon. Make your own way and make it real good and comfortable for you.

I am still trying to learn about myself, and this is just a beginning. But the very thought of being this kickass person i have in my mind lifts my spirits (i just did i mini-jig in my mind).

I found this excellent source of "self-affirmation" and "loving yourself".

“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.

Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.

I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.” 
Denis2005 Virginia Satir quotes (American Psychologist and Educator, 1916-1988)

Keep your mind happy and ebullient, but above all keep it how you like it !!

A "local" experience

I rushed into the local,, tired and hungry
Stuffing myself between two nonchalant ladies
I struggled to pull my buzzing phone out
When i saw something that plucked my heart out..

She was someone's grandmom or maybe a little younger
Her dupatta tied firmly around her waist
She felt like no stranger..
A vague sense of deja vu swept over me
as my eyes searched for her identity...
She had a box of this and that,
Chocolates, wafer biscuits and even legal pads !
She dint look distraught as a woman pushed her
nor did she flinch when her bars fell down
She smiled and mumbled something to her little friend
a boy who was dressed in a little tent..
He yelled "aunty.. !" as she missed one pack
"yeh bhi le lo.." and stuffed it in her sack..
She smiled as she firmly wore her cross bag
With a determined look she head out
amidst the crowd and sell-outs
Barely balancing her wares
She hobbled away to her first call-out
"Aunty ek moong daal", "...ek choclolate dena"..
"Yeh lo beta...",, "..arre ek minute beta.."
giving each one what they wanted
like their day-long hunger pangs were granted..
I can re-write this whole encounter in many ways
like a wise man has many a says
but the woman made a place in my heart nontheless
She fed the tired, working class
with her fantastic fares..
Each one wnated something, She gave her all
demanded almost nothing
Like the 5 buck cholocolate felt so priceless
When she handed me a bar with so much niceness
Maybe i miss my granny or maybe she IS something
She dint ask for money, until evryone was granted
Like feeding hungry kids was all she wanted.
A woman asked for plumcake,
and then another wafers...
She almost sat on the floor
To search for those flavours
I was mesmerized by her devotion
She just got on at andheri station...
And by and by, she sold most of her treasures
Within a couple minutes she knew she reached her destination..

A silver-haired woman, dressed in cotton-green
A wrinkled smile but sparkly eyes
They say spill your happiness over the seams
And thats what she tried,
weakly turning things to her side.

She portrayed what a million words couldnt
Like a whirlwind of something magical
I soon found out that she look to 7:34 Churchgate bound local
Even just for those two stations, She worked up a miracle
Evryone knew her, fondly calling out to her
And for those who didnt, she obliged them with a smile
She lost count of the change to pay back
or the items they asked for
her face wore the innocence of a child.
Clearly, her age didnt permit  the action
Like clockwork she handled the pandemonium
of demands that kept coming
she blissfully kept fulfilling
I suddenly felt the burden that she casually wore off
I dont usually carry my heart on my sleeve
And not many can even reach-out
But a few minutes of her presence
Were enough to tell me what special stuff she was made off...


No i didnt pay her for my chocolate
It was more than just 5
She deserved all the worlds niceness
cause putting a smile on exhausted mumbaikers... is truly priceless !!

Eat.Love.Prey.

Today, I will share my views on a philosophy. "Eat.Love.Prey", as you must have figured out it is very familiar. But with the change of just a single alphabet, the meaning of the phrase changes drastically. Pray implies seeking guidance, looking up to a person/being, among other things. Prey on the other hand is a carnal action. Or is it ? Every living being in the world preys on another living being. Consider the case of an African Lion feasting on an unlucky zebra or the same zebra feasting on kilo's of grass(before being eaten by the lion, of course). There is no being that can survive without eating. But Prey is not the same as Eat. A bite of a piece of stale bread qualifies as eating. But Prey is an action of choice. It is a mind state that involves, but is not confined to, eating. 

As humans, we must make  many choices, with each choice affecting our future. Each choice comes with a set of parameters and its own equations. To solve a choice (Yes, I meant "solve") we must search deep within ourselves. We must search for the reason that has forced us to face the choice. For, only when we know what we really want, can we actually get it. 

If you agree with this then it will be easy to understand my concept of Prey. Because, I think that, to achieve success in a choice we must Prey on it. We must consume the choice and take what we need. I repeat, consume the choice and take what we need. We must act as if our lives depend on the choice and behave as if this is the only job that we do. When we treat each choice and in turn each task as an act of Prey, we will achieve what we need to. To fail in a choice is like passing on a nice and juicy zebra. Regret and Repentance will be right behind the zebra, but they will be in no rush to leave you. 

So act, when you have to. And act, as if you need to.

(Eat and Love will follow soon.)

What I think..

Everyone desires a full life. Bustling with energy, happiness, hope and contentment. Life is not just a word or a concept.. It's like a Facebook timeline- the only difference being the depth of detail and the immortality of each post. You cannot delete certain events in your life or completely erase them from your mind. You only have a choice to interpret them in a different way more germane to your well-being. I see happiness on faces that are oblivious to the details on their timelines. It's not right to judge how correct being oblivious is.. Sometimes it's a choice and otherwise plain blindness. I ponder many a times over how to stay happy in this maze-like world, where everything is interconnected. Every event today is a result of yesterday's actions and can be easily extrapolated to what tomorrow will look like. So my past mistakes have no way to be reinterpreted? It's unfortunate that this mind has no mechanism to absolutely elude thinking about the past. I can't fathom how happy I would be if I could only forget and restart. Life piles on day after day with event after event and it's sheer torture to critically dissect every event. Some things just happen. They cannot be understood nor altered. It's what you do today that will alter or maybe reduce the effects of your past mistakes. It's not facile to be sanguine (optimistic), but this huge timeline called life, that defines each event with equal importance and clarity, can only be made bearable in the mind's eye by forcefully thinking about the present. It's difficult to keep yourself together when you are walking against wind, but you have no choice but to walk on to your destination. Very little choice.

Self-cogitation

It takes courage to execute even the simplest tasks,, determination to wait patiently to see them to fruition and aplomb to maintain its worth.

Aplomb :  Self-assurance, self-confidence, equanimity. A person who is sure of himself/herself.

How true is that ? Of the umpteen times these words have done rounds.. have some confidence and half the battle is won.. show some faith in your abilities.. they fail to impress me. The very notion of having a definite measured pile of self-confidence leaves my mind in a puddle and the words keep ringing.. On what grounds??? 

When you are standing backstage, reiterating the speech you have taken weeks to prepare, your palms are sweaty and your stomach is lopsided and your mind can barely contain itself. Fear of the crowd, the noise and your bunched up nerves. Even the most composed person will hesitate for a moment during his maiden flight. The only predictable thought in your mind - what will be the result ? And as you leave the script behind and hear your name over the speaker, the hedonism of applaud is the only emotion that parallels your heartbeat. "Its time, tanvi" my mind cajoles, "Go and say it all". My feet are numb and i grip the mike and the rest soon becomes history as the sheer pleasure of my booming voice reaching eager audience  combats every ounce of the anxiety. My speech has faded the moment i opened my mouth and its amazing how the web of words spins itself before leaving my mouth. Just the optimal mix of inflection, emphasis and verbiage. "Just perfect" my mind avers. 

The point of this exposition being the overrated use of the word "aplomb". 

The optimal mix of skill, resources to achieve the results, experimentation and a little bit of "Yes i will do it" spirit is the definition of Aplomb.

An emotionally driven person will often question her worth. Since she juggles to keep her feelings in bound as well as not overdo it, she is torn apart between what she feels and what she should feel. Like a commercially-driven artist who chooses his palette relative to the popularity quotient of his product. Words like self-confidence spin such people off to a tangent. Since the juggle is anyway too heavy, this addition of a "must-have" to "maintain" your self-worth blurs the focus. Confidence is a horse not many can ride on. You have to tame it, taste it and acquire it naturally just like red wine. At times, it may force you to take unprecedented leaps into over-confidence and you & your self-confidence will crumble like a sand-castle.

Self-confidence is a bulid-up, not something you cultivate with resources. Like i exposited, its an intrinsic feeling/emotion that peaks with the right level of preparation (hard-work) and skill.