Kid yourself not

Everyone has a best day, a best week and few the best year
This has been mine, and each day of this year made it better
Some days you lose, some don't let you be the winner
Nothing can quench your fire, especially with your dream so near
Let the tattle tale tail the the tattle
Shine your armor and fight your battle
Nothing is lost in the eyes of a warrior
Love and Hate are contained in the same carrier (heart)
So pick up your pieces if you feel they are fallen
Announce your arrival with a hint of retribution
And wipe your slate clean whilst you empty your baggage
Chalk a new path after you've stone-walled that passage ...

Kid yourself not to succumb to the mistakes of your past
Hold yourself not accountable for each loss
Hate them not for they chose you last
Kid yourself not into building a defensive fort
Love yourself much gaining that loss.

Mozzarella "reality" bites

I can hear my own cries like I hear the whistling wind
Its the new Fall, and new memories have been brought in ...
The old rungs(of my ladder), now lie below, broken and gone
Were the smiles back then even real at all?

The days seem longer, buzzing with activity
with warmer air up here, laced with simplicity
I poke my head above the clouds of past grief
I am still searching, deep for that smile of relief

My questions are unanswered, terminated with a period
I wanted nothing even then, but only to be loved
the depth of my heart, felt so close
now an abyss, was long ago sold

I loved too many times, and lost the equal
I won too many times, the trophy to be "real"
But I walk empty-handed, a blank smile pasted
over the countenance of the resilient - burnt and tainted ...

A distant memory now isolated like an island
with a heart so cold, it had me stranded
But shorter nights and longer days have me granted
the power to wash, wash away the faint-hearted

I fear my own vindication, the strain on my leash unbearable
But the joy it brings, oh its absolutely unparalleled ....
I'm no more the damsel, or a one in distress
No longer a victim, of a tormentous process

Each month I climbed a rung,
upward and onward to the peak of my dreams
scornfully staring at the travesties of my yesterday
I am living a dream in my today

Giving wings to dreams mid-air

Amidst the soft footfall and hushed whispers, she awoke from a short yet deep slumber. Re-orienting her mind and self to the reclining United seat, she reached out to the glass of water to cure the suddenly rising thirst. Whilst fumbling with the window-flap, she felt the water soak her right knee as her hand involuntarily succumbed to tilting the cup. But only her body reacted, her mind was living its own life, it own dream as her eyes soaked up the translucent sunlight and over-estimated yet beautiful Californian view.

The summer was coming to a close end. It had begun with a promising pack of punches, surprises and a boatload of life experiences. Her heart raced as thoughts of a brand new beginning made their way into her raw thought-pool. She let herself smile at the musing of a prolific Fall and dreamed of orange leaves slowly turning red and eventually white with snow. She knew she had changed and she was aware of the reasons that caused this change. She wasn't the same person - mind or body - and she was ready to kick-back her worries & self-securities and dive into a new season of love, laughter and books. Yes, she affirmed to herself, it was time to rise & shine.

Shuffling around her seat to stretch her calves her mind wandered to a distant past memory. It brought immediate peace to her mind and her body responded by settling down to another shot of deep slumber.

It was one of the camping sites at the Rockies in Colorado. Her nonchalant smile broke into a grin as visions re-surfaced with clarity. The rush. The crazy blood-rush when she saw the sky full of stars, hand-in-hand with the piece of her heart still jolted her mind into frenzy. It was phenomenal - like a sparkle-dust laden rich blue carpet with no seams, no restrictions. It had a life of its own, and grew more illustrious by the minute, like an arrogant celebrity. She reminisced feeling the hard ground through the thin sleeping-bag as they basked in the soft and ambient moonlight. Soul over soul with minds intertwined, the chemistry was apparent. A sudden gush of wind had had her hair flopping all over her face. She had giggled, as he looked at her and quickly moved them back into place, whilst gently caressing her temple. She felt the heat rise to her face as she blushed a deep pink. The crackling fire, sparkling diamonds in the sky and the slight touch of his hand suddenly felt immensely romantic. She was drawn to him, just sucked all-in at once. Her eyes glazed with happiness and pride as she felt her heart race. The moment was perfect as they both collapsed into a deep embrace, heart over heart. She drifted away, detached from reality yet in-sync with the present, her mind wandering deeper into the beautiful memory.

The screeching voice of the pilot rattled her eyes open. He was announcing turbulent weather in the horizon. She played with the stone on her finger, the stone of promise & togetherness. Staring into the clouds she decided to replay that memory, the one that filled her heart with warmth & her mind with security..., she wanted to go back .... and lay on her soft pillow.

Renaissance

The disco lights danced across her face as she waded through the bubbling happy and drunk crowd. Her mind was on overdrive as she scanned the bar for him. Peeking through the crowd, her eyes settled on his perfect head. There he was - comfortably at the bar, lost in his own world. She clutched her purse, fingers knotted in a death-like grip and found an innocuous spot between two noisy tables. She smoothed her dress, quickly glanced at her phone, set it to blocking mode and popped it in her bag. Tonight she would calm the raging storm and begin collecting the pieces of her shattered mindset. This was it for her. This was the end of the game, the dead-end and her last glance at her past. 

Life seemed to have had her pinned down. She seemed to have been through the struggles of twenty years of human life in the last 2. It took twice the effort to spread her wings and fly and work her way through life. There was obviously more to this than just a man or a neglected heart. She had lost her grip. Her own personal thumbprint seemed to have dissolved and left behind was a model of generic, carefully carved caricature of a woman. Beneath the beautiful face hid years of hardwork and self-reflection. Her pink lips curled to an evil grin as she took one hard look at him and opened her mind to the future.

She let her thoughts flow as she tapped her feet to the beats. The club was filling up and it was getting harder for her to maintain her stare. As she gulped down her third glass of neat scotch, the warmth spread to her inner core and she stood up only to feel the mix of alcoholic high and fetters of her past. She swayed her hips to "Somebody" by Natalia La Rose and made her way into the frenzied dancing crowd. Metaphorically she had given up. She decided to gulp her regrets in one shot and blend into the social mix, where everything has a layer of neutrality and mediocrity. She wanted to get out there and let the world naturally heal her wounds and let her thrive. The crowd went crazy to the beats of "Titanium" and she found herself in perfect-sync.. the wave of personal confidence shook her as she saw her achievements flash across her face. She could see the darkness find its way out of her mind as every nagging question rationalized to an answer. She submitted herself spiritually, intellectually and emotionally to her core and virtually let go of each negative emotion while tapping away. Tonight was hers. Everything she had been was for something or somebody. But the power was hers. She decided to harness it and carve her path. 

She made her way through to the bar only to find somebody else had been sitting there all along. It was never him. She deluded herself to believing that his perfect head was her elixir. He never even existed while she shed her inhibitions and danced away. She threw her head back in liberating laughter and parked herself on the nearest stool. Cradling her final glass of scotch she let the numbness take over.

At the Beach

Receding waves leave behind secrets of the sea so deep,

The reflecting sunlight brings out the purest color of the sea ..

the wet sand and innocuous laughter of the children

mending broken sandcastles, completing the picture ..

Time never sands still, the wind holds back nothing

streaming tears don't stop, till the heart is empty of everything

Life takes a sharp turn only when you miss a signal

Trust makes no sense,  when all is shattered at the last level.

Deep-rooted thoughts have the brightest colors,

A smaller mind will want everything near

Stretch your thoughts like legs on the beach-chair,

looking at life through shades of the past never being there .. 

Receding waves leave behind stones & shells,

the soft sand is washed away in the swell

A shiny shell nestled in the soft sand,

Sinking deeper & waiting for the touch of a hand

The fragility of a new-born mind is like a rose petal,

each thought making its groove, 

a new memory struggling to settle ..

But it flushes with color when shown its cradle

It grows with grace and charms its beholder 

Mornin' !

The first morning of my getaway was ethereal. The warm sun peeping though the double drapes over a big french window. Cuddled up in an oversized comforter, i simply chose to let my eyeballs take in some reality while I continued to dwell in the throes of laziness. The light bouncing off the white wall and the gush of water were enough to break my reverie as I decided to embrace this beautiful day of the week – Saturday. All I could recollect were the floppy hair and warm eyes that my last night’s thoughts were devoted to. His football match was like a buzzing bee but I still managed to get the best sleep on his shoulder.

The cold hard floor shook the last of my efforts to melt into a lazy puddle. 

As I stretched my arms over my head, feeling my spine take its structure, a smile crept on my face. Today was the first day of the most amazing weekend. This day of firsts began with my banter with the cutest person on this planet. His childish glee swept not just my week-long stress, but also got under my skin. As I bit into my strawberry danish, I couldn’t resist a laugh at his stupid puns and scientific innuendos just randomly yet strategically finding its way into conversation.

Legs stretched out on the rug, with either backs against the bed and window, I realized the warmth that good company brings into our cluttered and compressed minds. The information overflow leaves us wanting more. More of something that never satisfies. Yet, I found myself replete with happy fuzziness just to be a part of his bubble, a part of his thought-flow. As if all my burdens were picked up and temporarily help by him as I enjoyed his sunshine. Sometimes its just the connection, the feelers find their way and exude serenity and happiness, enough to loosen up the mind of a mumbaikar.

The pit-patter of the rain was like the after-taste of fresh pineapple cake. The slate-gray sky mimicked my mindset  - clouded and burgeoning – waiting to soak my world with drops of happiness. His fingers gripping mine jolted me out of my daydream as we debated over staying-in over out. His eyes full of promise and my heart full of feels.

Why cant we be peaceful always ?!

I  love shopping. Its an addiction. There, I admit to my weakness. The smell of new clothes put in crisp new plastic bags. The ecstatic gush of assertive emotion the moment i find something perfect in size, shape and color. The looking around, dazzling lights, new things all around...everything just comes together as one big panacea of an event.

Its gonna be hard to give that up. To move past the urges and differentiate between want and need. But it has to be done. Because shopping is an expensive distraction.

My mind has a way of finding its own way to encourage impulses. It literally looks for event that will trigger the lets-spend-money emotion and i tend to encourage it. I believe there are 3 people living inside my head. One is ME (my conscience), my mind(this independant, masochistic creature) and my instincts. So i feel the most harmonious is when all these three are aligned, either for or against a decision - unanimously. Anyway, so curbing the debates between my people is my latest quest for peace.

This eggs me to discuss why i don't feel peaceful all the time. The answer is one word - exposure. Seriously. Thats all. But people have different definitions of peace. Some like it noisy  like a club..some need to feel fuzzy..some need tranquilizers. I need Harmony between my people and my ego. At times, i feel peace is not just a state of the mind, its a physical state of the body as well. Its not often that i feel peaceful in a bus, or in a club or even with an upset stomach. Harmony is nature's way of claiming its stability. I also love composure. And i like myself in a composed demeanor solving problems with a flourish and sashaying across my life. But it takes more than just a fleeting thoughts to achieve something. 

Certain people disrupt my peace-bubble. They puncture it with verbal attacks of their own accord and move along. I cant stand opinionated verbose people. Its like they have a lot on their mind to decimate. And it takes me time to mold around their ways because they share my personal space. This is another thing peace does not agree with..It needs solitude for perfect harmony and alignment of thoughts. External influences will only sway the path in another direction. Thats why its very important to learn to be retentive of your own thoughts and personal being. Its very hard to not imitate whats branded as "trending today" and thrown in your face. Its not easy to go back to your original state after being molded by external influencers.

But, who asked you to be so fickle ? Thats a question i cannot answer. It bothers me too. Because i have acted impulsively and lost out on many important things just because of external influence. Like its hard to not let all that information seep in and nest in your brain. Sometimes i feel my mind welcomes the external opinion and nurtures it till it find another stronger external force.

I can only assert myself to be more mentally grounded and confident of who i am. I don't need any external opinion to realize the truth in my action. i am my own person and i take full charge of what i am doing in my own way. Coz my way is the best way. Cheers !!

Bad thoughts

Pick them out and throw
drop the burdens, let them go
Collect it all and burn it up 
And walk away with your chin up.

Problems are inevitable. They are everywhere all the time. Some stem from incidents older than you can remember and some come in the form nagging thoughts. After all, like everything we control, problems too are just a bunch of bad thoughts. And can either run through them all at once or let them occupy all your mindspace. But sometimes they are important only till you have juiced-out all that you could - reason, solutions and ramifications. And what is left behind are the bones. I know its tougher to move on/away from problems than it seems, but its not undoable. In fact i feel its imperative that sooner or later this habit/way of life is learned and mastered. Coz lets face it, if there is happiness in your life, it is going to be offset with some sadness. However, i believe, if you can visualize a mental picture of your goal then you are more than capable of finding your way to it. 
A problem that seemed enormous 5 years back, isn't  a hard nut to crack now, is it ? That's the beauty of the human mind. We learn. Some faster than others. Some skip milestones and save the trouble of going through it all. And some stay stuck. Harping on the same issues and circling around the same junction. We get to choose and we do choose involuntarily. But lets not get into choices..let try to look at how to ameliorate(make better) the mistakes that fill u up with dread.

So you have an issue with a problem that you simply cant let go. You cant ignore it, wash it off or even replace it with a bigger issue. So all your energies are spent thinking about it from time to time and hoping some magical event will eliminate your "problem" and you will finally move to a better place mentally. Ha ha ha. Well you're in for a rude shock coz there is nothing magical about solutions. If you can think so deeply about a problem so complex (get into that deep a pile of crap), then you most definitely know a way out too !! Generically, its not that hard to walk off. Just pick up and move. And have the confidence that you will be moving to a place that will not have that problem. We are mortals and so are our thoughts. Is it really worth wasting all the time harping over the same issue when you can wreck your head over some other one..?

Learn and move on. But learn. Because when you take the efforts to learn what went wrong or what you did wrong, it engulfs the darkness and the premise vanishes. But if u just let it go, then some part of the problem walks with you like a shadow and eventually becomes a baggage. The words "No baggage" remind me of a traveler exploring new places and emotions with a light head and heart. Such an exhilarating thought.
Leave all the troubles, problems, misgivings and sadness behind and turn over a new leaf. Pick in and out of what you like and dislike about yourself and re-invent your being. After all life is about experimenting with yourself. Like it keep it,, don't? Leave it. 

A lost grip

As her grip loosened, finger by finger
the water heaving as her palm trembled
the bucket landed with a loud thud
and the liquid slowly vanished in the mud.

Her grip was not the only thing lost on her
The smile that framed her face had betrayed her
Gone was the glow, the shimmer in her eyes
Bereft of focus, gone was her sight.

The sun still dawned and days felt heavy
Gone was the flow that swallows many
a minds deep into the pleasures of hardwork
Gone was the satisfaction of a long days work.

Time ticked slowly, still enough had been squandered
ideas were plenty, but motivation not conquered
Plenty were there to play with, laugh and prosper
But the heart wanted the thing that mattered.
Grey seemed black and red... maroon
Colorful days were as if lost to the moon
Nothing could tighten the grip of her mind
to the work she so desperately wanted to find..
It got tougher to live in the confines of her mind
Even tougher to keep the positivity tight.
All she wanted was another chance
another turn, another prance
And she knew she could make it better
lasting forever, going back never.

She gathered her bucket and her patience
Once again waiting in line at the well
Her palms sweaty as she waited for her turn
To fill her bucket with some purpose again....

Criticism

The mind is a boxful of ideas - both good and evil. An overflowing endless stream of thoughts comprising questions, opinions, conjectures, mental pictures of past events, hope, mental pictures of supposed future events among other random fleeting thoughts. The resilience of the mind allows one to overcome criticism, failure and other seeming insecurities. Its the mind that heals the verbal wounds or invisible cuts on your self-esteem. Self-talk is this healing process. it may be abstract to say but the mind actually steps on the very failures that lead to success. Its this flexible and inflexible property of the mind (whirlpool of ideas) that allows you to "let go" and "move on" and in extreme cases "hold on".

An ambitious manager had everything going for him. His superiors were impressed with his ability to manage people and get the work done. He had just been promoted and was now leading a team of 4 members. His task was to develop a attendance system for one of the sub-departments of the company. He had an uncanny tact of getting his work done and fueling his ambition by motivation. Although that was the golden rule to successful teamwork, he used to scold and criticize his juniors. His sharp words caused a wave of rage which he though fueled their passion to work harder, just to get back at him. This unhealthy approach awarded him many enemies and almost all his associates and colleagues got wind of this insidious attitude. He took personal hits at his low-performing juniors and berated them to learn to "get off of their lazy arses" and "work enough to deserve the salary". These highly qualified fresh MBAs had nothing to lose but their self-esteem. The constant criticism left them feeling inadequate and unwanted. It reflected in their social attitude and body-language. It majorly hit the most sensitive and active part of the mind - self-confidence.

Constantly listening to your flaws and inadequacies is like consciously scratching the same wound over and over again. Your mind begins to build a defense-thought mechanism where it desperately searches for the positives to combat with all the negativity. As its begins to hunt, it checks for the validity of these "positives". For example the manager criticized one of the juniors on grounds of her inefficiency due to her lack of interest in the project. In such a case its natural to mentally search for instances where this argument has been proven wrong. For example she may be thinking how her keen interest in cooking lead to making the finest Enchiladas she's ever made. In short, this defense mechanism is the minds natural way of guarding the fragile self-esteem which is the core of your being. The greater the self-esteem the greater the confidence, bigger the smile and increased self-reliance. However, the mind can do only so much to protect and heal the self-esteem. Continuous external or internal criticism can lead one to believe and accept that these supposed flaws as the constituents of our being. The mind runs out of positive situations and instances to combat the negativity and heal the mental wounds and eventually the defending activity loses its vigor. you eventually learn to live with these flaws and spiral only downwards in all facets of your life. Your mind withdraws from every combative situation and instead thoughts of sympathy and comfort begin to crowd around. You start feeling sorry for yourself and gradually learn to sympathize and comfort that every externally-inflicted  flaw on you. Feeling sorry for yourself is the lowest point in your self-esteem, wherein its virtually smashed to smithereens. And as its universally known; repairing something broken takes twice as long as to create something new.

Fight the criticism, but not with anger, instead with self-affirmation. Your self-esteem is your core and you must protect it at any cost. Constantly reminding yourself about your strengths is not the only solution. Try to find the relevance of that critical statement by weighing it in your mind. The female junior could have instead thought about whether she was actually interested in that particular project. If she was indeed, then the managers sharp words were blanks from a gun and if she wasn't, then maybe it was time for self-correction. Taking it as a personal hit (irrespective of whether it was intended) will directly damage your self-esteem. Process those sharp words and try to find out the truth by asking yourself the question. Its always good to pick out the gold flecks from mud. 

The world is not short of arrogant cocky pricks. But repairing a damaged self-esteem requires a lot of patience and effort, and why go through all that trouble when you can eliminate the root cause of these wounds. Criticism taken positively is easier said than done. But who said the best was easy ?